Top Human League Leader Caught With Mutant

(LOS ALAMOS, DEADFALL)- In a Wasteland News exclusive, A senior official with the conservative Human League is in hot water today after being seen traveling with a female mutant companion.

Trey Shawn of the Human League (File Photo)

The Human League, known for its hard-line stance against mutants, has been aggressively campaigning in Deadfall the past two weeks.  Bloody clashes between the Human League militia and mutants are a common sight in the wasteland.  However, Trey Shawn a senior official in the human league was seen passing though Haietta with a mutant female.  The news has been prompting speculation from many in the wasteland.

Shorts, a Light Bearer mutant told WLN, “Come on, everyone knows mutants do it better.  Mr. Shawn just has a case of Mutant Fever and needed to get his gamma off.  Even [Human] Leaguers can’t resist it” Mr. Shorts flexes and kisses his bicep.

Others have been more outspoken.

“It just goes to show you that even the patriots trying to keep us humans safe from that race of mutated beasts are as corrupt as the things they are fighting. We aren’t rebuilding the world, it is just going to be overrun by mutants and dogs….if the mutants don’t eat them,” said Pheneris, an outspoken human.

Raqel the Mutant. (File Photo)

Raqel, the mutant seen traveling with Mr. Trey, only gave WLN a brief statement, “Listen, what he paid for what he got.  All I gotta say is that even Hawtsauce was better than he was. And that isn’t a compliment.”

This is not the only documented scandal of leaders of hard-line conservative groups in the wasteland.  Just late last year one of the top clergy for the Clerics of Gates (CoG) was ousted for sexual abuse claims by the cult.

Mr. Trey released a statement to WLN about the incident:

I sincerely apologize to all my constituents I have failed.  I admit I was traveling across the wastes with a mutant.  But she is not a companion.  She is traveling with me to carry all my scavenging loot.  I didn’t want to inconvenience my horse so I made the mutant whore carry all my scrap steel.  I am still one hundred percent faithful to the cause.  I am sorry.

The Human League has placed Mr. Trey on administrative leave pending an investigation of the “mutant fucking” claims.

-Justice Mendoza

Published in: on 2010/05/17 at 1:41 am  Leave a Comment  
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Breaking News: First Argument in Wasteland Does Not End in Gunfire

(Traders Flat, Kaibab Forest)- Citizens of Traders Flat were awoken to the sounds of a heated argument near the message bulletin board near the bank earlier this morning.  Such arguments are commonplace for the citizens of Traders Flat.  However today’s quarrel was unique as in it is the first known case in the wasteland where the argument did not end in gunfire.

Arianna Flint, a Vista Trustee was discussing the law that prohibits selling faction armor sets to other vista players.  A local resident by the name of Rekas disagreed with Ms. Flint and proceeded to argue his reasoning why only armorcrafters should be able to wear faction armor set.

An Argument ( Artist's Rendition)

With normal wasteland fashion, the argument quickly turned sour with both participants getting more and more belligerent.  Bystanders were expecting The Ominous Security Guards to come by and shoot the participants for breaking the message board rules of conduct.

An incident  was still fresh in the minds of the citizens of Traders Flat when last week a Guard shot and killed a popular participant at the message bulletin board unprovoked.  The residents of Traders Flat were preparing for a bloodbath. Food Vendors saw a 61% increase in sales during these arguments.

To the surprise of the bystanders and disappointment of the moderating guards, the argument ended as abruptly as it stopped.  Ms. Flint and Mr. Rekas acknowledged each others differences in opinion and that they were not going to budge.  Both participants wished each other well and walked off toward different parts of town.

Pippa Rydell, a wasteland sociologist, spoke with WLN about this first incident of its kind. “Normally in the wasteland people only hold onto their persona’s and weapons.  So when a difference in ideas arises the first reaction is to exert personal superiority.  If that doesn’t work then normally you cap the fucker in his face.”

-Justice Mendoza

Published in: on 2010/01/19 at 2:23 pm  Comments (1)  
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Creepers Rally Against Motorcycles

(NEW FLAGSTAFF, NORTHFIELDS)-  A press release by the spokescreeper for the Wasteland Creepers Conference has announced a new controversial policy regarding the coexistence of Creepers and Wastelanders.

Zchhhhhhhk, the spokesman the Wasteland Creepers Conference and Alpha Creeper of the Vicious Creeper pack announced a resolution passed by the conference making it mandatory for Creepers to destroy all motorcycles that cross into their territory.

In his address, Zchhhhhhhk stated, “For too long our homes and breeding grounds become destroyed and contaminated by arrogant clones driving through our territories. From this day on, all Creeper packs will fight back against our oppressors to win back our lands.”

Zchhhhhhhk the Creeper (FILE PHOTO)

The popular Zchhhhhhhk secured a unanimous vote by the Creeper Conference to start what experts are calling a “War on Automobiles”.  Since the new policy, it is reported that motorcycle, buggy, and interceptor destruction has gone up over 20,000% in these areas.  The powerful Traveler Insurance Company based out of Credit Bend is said to be nearing bankruptcy just in the few hours since the policy went into effect.

“I just bought my Cargo Bike and as I was riding across Northfields. Then some Creepers hiding in the grass jumped me and tore my new bike up.  I think one creeper even keyed something anti-Semitic  on my bike,” said Ivin, a concerned wasteland bike enthusiast.

Not all is bad news in the wasteland however.  Sales of repair kits have seen their first major increase since the invention of “air tires” a few weeks ago that allowed vehicles to become airborne after hitting ramps.  Many garages are capitalizing on towing costs and repair kit sales.

“You know what, I sit in this damn garage all day hoping to maybe make 2 blue chips a day selling some gas.  Since these Creepers or whatever have started their hoohockey, sales have gone up and I am now looking to retire to a beach house in Malibu in the Plateau some guy was offering me,” said Ted “Speedy” Burns, a garage owner.

With wastelanders having to worry about mutants, raiders, radiation, cults, giant bees, Jehovah’s witnesses, prairie chickens, blight wolves, zombies and now creepers the wasteland has now become a little bit less safe.

Wasteland News urges everyone to be mindful of where you drive your vehicle.

A similar resolution is expected to be passed by the Hydra Plants of the wasteland at the “Hydra Plant Chloroform Festival and War Conference” next week.

-Judge Rufio Mendoza

Published in: on 2009/12/02 at 5:51 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Messages on Town Bulletin Board Leaves Residents Angry

(TRADERS FLAT, KAIBAB FOREST)-  Local residents of Traders Flat have become victims of hateful messages on a local community bulletin board say authorities.

The bulletin board in Traders Flat has been used as a tool to help members of the community advertise events, try to sell goods and just general communication between people.  That all changed last week according to Arianna Flint, the bulletin board’s caretaker.

“It all started when a well known clan started advertising recruitment on the board,” said Flint. “It is nothing out of the ordinary. Clans advertise all the time on the board.”

After the flyer was posted advertising the clan, a deviant put a response to it saying, “U R NOOBS”.  Soon more messages were showing up in response to posted messages. At first these messages were just shrugged off until more of them started being posted.

The Alleged First Reply (File Photo)

In recent days more and more posts have been showing up.  The most recent post was on a girl’s Lost Dog flyer that said “QQ MOAR NUB”.    Number 1, the head of the Ominous Security Personnel at Traders Flat advises all citizens to not reply to these messages.

 

“It seems that when a citizen replies to these hateful messages it is like swatting a mutated wasp nest, more and more messages come out,” said Number 1. “It is important people keep their calm and composure.  We are seeing this situation degrade rapidly so we need to act quickly.  If this continues, soon citizens will start bickering against each other.”

No suspects have been named in this string of rogue messages being posted on the bulletin board.  Some speculate the Park City Parks and Recreation Department are posting these messages due to their lack of economy and boredom.  Others speculate it is just the children of Traders Flat feeling empowered by anonymity.  Others say they are one in the same.

“I can’t believe one of those [expletive] took down a post I put up a few weeks ago and reposted it to take it out of context.   Now everyone thinks I hate Light Bearers!” said a Vista resident. ” I am leaving the bulletin board, but not the wasteland.”

“Rampant hateful messages strewn across public communication platforms are one of the attributed causes of ‘The Fall’.  We do not want it to happen again.”

Published in: on 2009/11/24 at 3:48 pm  Comments (1)  
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