Top Human League Leader Caught With Mutant

(LOS ALAMOS, DEADFALL)- In a Wasteland News exclusive, A senior official with the conservative Human League is in hot water today after being seen traveling with a female mutant companion.

Trey Shawn of the Human League (File Photo)

The Human League, known for its hard-line stance against mutants, has been aggressively campaigning in Deadfall the past two weeks.  Bloody clashes between the Human League militia and mutants are a common sight in the wasteland.  However, Trey Shawn a senior official in the human league was seen passing though Haietta with a mutant female.  The news has been prompting speculation from many in the wasteland.

Shorts, a Light Bearer mutant told WLN, “Come on, everyone knows mutants do it better.  Mr. Shawn just has a case of Mutant Fever and needed to get his gamma off.  Even [Human] Leaguers can’t resist it” Mr. Shorts flexes and kisses his bicep.

Others have been more outspoken.

“It just goes to show you that even the patriots trying to keep us humans safe from that race of mutated beasts are as corrupt as the things they are fighting. We aren’t rebuilding the world, it is just going to be overrun by mutants and dogs….if the mutants don’t eat them,” said Pheneris, an outspoken human.

Raqel the Mutant. (File Photo)

Raqel, the mutant seen traveling with Mr. Trey, only gave WLN a brief statement, “Listen, what he paid for what he got.  All I gotta say is that even Hawtsauce was better than he was. And that isn’t a compliment.”

This is not the only documented scandal of leaders of hard-line conservative groups in the wasteland.  Just late last year one of the top clergy for the Clerics of Gates (CoG) was ousted for sexual abuse claims by the cult.

Mr. Trey released a statement to WLN about the incident:

I sincerely apologize to all my constituents I have failed.  I admit I was traveling across the wastes with a mutant.  But she is not a companion.  She is traveling with me to carry all my scavenging loot.  I didn’t want to inconvenience my horse so I made the mutant whore carry all my scrap steel.  I am still one hundred percent faithful to the cause.  I am sorry.

The Human League has placed Mr. Trey on administrative leave pending an investigation of the “mutant fucking” claims.

-Justice Mendoza

Published in: on 2010/05/17 at 1:41 am  Leave a Comment  
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Wasteland Review: Club Exile Resort and Day Spa

(OFFICE PARK, DEADFALL)-   We here at Wasteland News had the wonderful opportunity to spend a day at Club Exile, the first resort and spa to (re)open in the wasteland.

Club Exile (Brochure Photo)

“It really is getting a piece of the old world back.  It is a return to civility,” said Kirpi, the Events Coordinator for Club Exile. “We offer a chance for people to live life how they did before the fall, down to the bathing in the pit of mud, relaxing poolside and offering knife massages to anyone who trespasses on resort property.”

During our stay the entire WLN staff got the VIP treatment from the Club Exile resort staff.  The resort itself is all inclusive: food, drinks, security and Smash Gordon, the thonged poolboy. The drinks were superb.  We even got to drink pre-fall Scotch for the first time. The dinner of irradiated mutant meat served out of the skull of a throwback was delectable. The deep tissue massages were very relaxing for the entire WLN team.  Traveling across the wasteland wearing heavy body armor puts quite a toll on your muscles.  We were offered a full facial but respectfully declined.

WLN got a chance to sit down with Corban Dallas, General Manager of Club Exile

WLN:  Good afternoon Mr. Dallas.  It is a pleasure to speak with you.

Dallas: I know it is.

WLN: So tell me about the resort.

Dallas: Well, we specialize in the finest treatments and activities.  For VIPs we have a pool, full service           spa, and lounge…

WLN:  I don’t see a pool.

Dallas: Eat shit Mendoza.  Edit that out.

WLN: Sure thing.  What about for the average vacationer to Club Exile?

Dallas: We have relaxing scavenging… and the acid bath.  It is very cleansing, really.

WLN:  So I see a lot of staff here is armed.  Why is that?

Dallas: To keep bringing an affordable vacation spot to wastelanders requires we control any competition that gets in our way and maintain the integrity of Club Exile by protecting our guests.  It’s all just capitalism…or socialism or something.

WLN:  Do you get a lot of intruders.

Dallas: Of Course. People try to sneak in and live the good life without… wait… where is your resort wristband? Did you even pay to stay here?

WLN:  Thank you for your time.

Dallas: I’m serious. Get back here.

Overall our time at Club Exile was very enjoyable.  The spa treatment was so great that I forgot that I was mauled earlier by a rabid Light Bearer earlier that day.

Overall Grade: B+*

-Justice Mendoza

*We deducted points once we saw a resort worker empty the outhouses into the mud bath.

Published in: on 2010/05/13 at 4:02 am  Leave a Comment  

Epic Blood Sport Battle Finished. Mushrooms win.

(TRADERS FLAT, KAIBAB FOREST)-  The stage was set for an epic battle vs a V8 Interceptor and Concrete Mushrooms today.  The battle was an upset with the mushrooms stopping the interceptor cold in it’s tracks within the first 5 seconds of this fight.

Record KO

We are sad to report the Interceptor was pronounced totaled at the scene.

– Justice Mendoza

Published in: on 2010/05/07 at 10:05 pm  Leave a Comment  

BANKERS Confirm First Blood Sports Battle Lineup

(TRADERS FLAT, KAIBAB FOREST)-  The Bankers will unveil their new “Blood Sports” on Friday with a fight that is gathering more attention than the prize fighting sport itself.

“Our goal was to kick off the start of the Blood Sports season with a fight that would go down in history,” Banker President Sandoval told WLN.  “We worked for months on putting this fight together and we finally are announcing that the first battle in Blood Sports history will be Concrete Mushrooms vs. a V8 Interceptor Speedster.”

Mushroom vs. Interceptor

The rivalry between V8 Interceptors and Concrete Mushrooms started once the immobile fungi appeared late last year in the Kaibab Forest.  Many Interceptors were totaled when driving full speed into these patches of mushrooms.  Drivers were unaware of the new dangers.  Other mushroom species let any vehicle or mount pass over. This new breed of fungi, solid as steel, would halt the vehicles in their tracks and cause untold damage and injury.

Arianna Flint, head of the Vista Enrichment Foundation, supports this fight.

“Normally I would be against such a slap to the face of Mother Nature and call the Bankers whores to the Tech agenda.  But seriously, fuck those mushrooms.  Even my horse got hurt by running into those mushrooms.  What the hell are those things made of?” said Mrs. Flint.

People from all factions around the wasteland are rooting for the Interceptor.

“Those damn mushroomed wrecked my car and I was almost late to my GrahamsList ‘casual encounter’,” said Edbert, a wasteland wanderer. “Those fungi almost put our alliance in jeopardy.”

A team of Tech master engineers, funded by massive donations, have been working around the clock preparing the Interceptor to fight the mushrooms on Friday.  Bull Dog, the head of the team was enthusiastic about the fight.

“What we have learned in our studies is a normal Interceptor suffers a catastrophic structural failure along with a 68-70% systems failure about .24 seconds after impact,” noted Mr. Dog. ”We are still working on why the Interceptor fails but we are theorizing that this happens because the mushroom is “harder” than the interceptor.  Our findings are not final yet. “

“So far we have used an ancient device called ‘duct tape’ to reinforce the bow of the Interceptor.  We have also attached flame stickers on the sides of the car for increased velocity” said The Sack, another engineer. “We are 120% confident the Interceptor will dominate this battle.”

The Bankers report to WLN that the wagers are coming in record numbers. Support is overwhelmingly in favor of the Interceptor winning in the second round.  The Bankers are not releasing the chip figures but wasteland economists speculate the Bankers have received between 50-60 Yellow chips.

“I wish we would have gotten into this prize fighting game earlier. Sure beats the hell out of those slot machines,” remarked President Sandoval.

We here at Wasteland News will cover the results of the fight Friday.

-Justice Mendoza

Published in: on 2010/05/05 at 1:47 am  Leave a Comment  
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