(NEW FLAGSTAFF, NORTHFIELDS)- A press release by the spokescreeper for the Wasteland Creepers Conference has announced a new controversial policy regarding the coexistence of Creepers and Wastelanders.
Zchhhhhhhk, the spokesman the Wasteland Creepers Conference and Alpha Creeper of the Vicious Creeper pack announced a resolution passed by the conference making it mandatory for Creepers to destroy all motorcycles that cross into their territory.
In his address, Zchhhhhhhk stated, “For too long our homes and breeding grounds become destroyed and contaminated by arrogant clones driving through our territories. From this day on, all Creeper packs will fight back against our oppressors to win back our lands.”
The popular Zchhhhhhhk secured a unanimous vote by the Creeper Conference to start what experts are calling a “War on Automobiles”. Since the new policy, it is reported that motorcycle, buggy, and interceptor destruction has gone up over 20,000% in these areas. The powerful Traveler Insurance Company based out of Credit Bend is said to be nearing bankruptcy just in the few hours since the policy went into effect.
“I just bought my Cargo Bike and as I was riding across Northfields. Then some Creepers hiding in the grass jumped me and tore my new bike up. I think one creeper even keyed something anti-Semitic on my bike,” said Ivin, a concerned wasteland bike enthusiast.
Not all is bad news in the wasteland however. Sales of repair kits have seen their first major increase since the invention of “air tires” a few weeks ago that allowed vehicles to become airborne after hitting ramps. Many garages are capitalizing on towing costs and repair kit sales.
“You know what, I sit in this damn garage all day hoping to maybe make 2 blue chips a day selling some gas. Since these Creepers or whatever have started their hoohockey, sales have gone up and I am now looking to retire to a beach house in Malibu in the Plateau some guy was offering me,” said Ted “Speedy” Burns, a garage owner.
With wastelanders having to worry about mutants, raiders, radiation, cults, giant bees, Jehovah’s witnesses, prairie chickens, blight wolves, zombies and now creepers the wasteland has now become a little bit less safe.
Wasteland News urges everyone to be mindful of where you drive your vehicle.
A similar resolution is expected to be passed by the Hydra Plants of the wasteland at the “Hydra Plant Chloroform Festival and War Conference” next week.
-Judge Rufio Mendoza