Report: Possible Space-Time Warp Discovered in Trees

(TRADER’S FLAT, KAIBAB FOREST)- Scientists have discovered a strange phenomenon occurring in the trees of the wasteland that allows metallic projectiles to warp through the trees like magic!

Researchers from the Vista Enrichment Foundation that have been researching the trees in the Kaibab Forest discovered this phenomenon after an encounter with some raiders.

A "Tree" (File Photo)

“The raiders attacked us and took cover behind a tree. In a panic we shot at the tree and the raiders fell over dead from behind it,” said Dark Pony of the Vista Enrichment Foundation. “Once we inspected the tree we found no signs of bullet holes but we did see blood splatter on the other side.”

The researchers tested different types of materials to see if they also could “warp” through the trees. The scientists found that any metallic projectile moving faster than 600 feet per second could warp through the trees as if it was just air. Anything slower, such as melee weapons, could not.

“This discovery has changed the face of woodland warfare,” said Damien, a Vista guerilla. “No longer can people take cover behind trees and expect to live. These trees do not serve any combat purpose anymore. They are just a throw pillow on the blood soaked loveseat known as the battlefield.”

"Trees" (Artist Rendition)

Scientists cannot explain why this is happening. Some theories suggest that the trees do not want to be shot so they open a wormhole to teleport the bullet to the other side of its trunk. Other scientists such as Squoke, of the Vista Enrichment Foundation say that the trees have weakened, highly irradiated bark that the bullets actually pass through but have healing properties of Wolverine”. Tazzy, another scientist, believes these trees could be host to termites with pre-cognitive abilities. Another of Tazzy’s theories is that the trees actually hate humans so much that the trees allow bullets to pass through to kill the human on the other side. Other researchers speculate it could be a Tech experiment gone wrong. Scientists are in heated debate on this phenomenon.

“We all know there is one real reason,” Tazzy said in an interview with WLN. “What is more logical than psychic termites plotting the downfall of humanity? They have been working on this for centuries, the radiation and Shiva virus is just a new tool for them!”

The cause of this phenomenon is still unknown and may not ever be known. All that can be done is just to make sure that combatants will need to think twice before taking cover behind a tree during a gunfight.

“This is serious business, if we do not strike back now against them [the termites]. They will haul us away with bags over our heads!”

-Rufio Mendoza

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Published in: on 2009/10/27 at 1:09 am  Leave a Comment  
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