Notice

Due to a bad case of brain rot.  Rufio Mendoza will not be on Post Apoc Radio tonight nor will Wasteland News be running until tomorrow.

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Published in: on 2009/10/29 at 8:23 pm  Comments (1)  

New Firearm Can Be Seen Only By Most Skilled Combatants

(BLAINE, NORTHFIELDS)- Today researchers from Sigler Arms Inc. announced they have created a rifle so powerful that only the most elite combatants are even able see the weapon.

Sev Sigler, a lead researcher in the R&D department gave WLN an exclusive sneak peak at the weapon.

enforcers

An Enforcer Clan Brandishing the New S-56

“The Sigler Model 56 or S-56 is a new battle rifle designed by Sigler Arms. This rifle fires high power ammunition at a higher rate of fire than an assault rifle and is more accurate than any sniper rifle. However, as part of a built-in… security thingy, this Rifle is so powerful that only the most skilled and elite combatants will be able to see it,” said Sev Sigler.
Weapon experts applaud this weapon as a large step for weapon development in the wasteland. Such technology has not been seen since before the fall. It may usher in a new era of engineering and innovation in the wasteland.

WLN asked the Sigler Arms R&D department, who were packing up their lab and discussing someplace called “Malibu”, about the security system that renders the weapon invisible to unskilled fighters. The team responded with “uhhh…company secret, no comment”.

“Sales of this weapon have gone through the roof,” said a Sigler Arms Inc. salesman. “Just a few hours ago an Enforcer clan of fortunate soldiers bought 2 gold chips worth of these weapons. I would hate to be their enemies!”

WLN was denied access to the Sigler Arms firing range to see a test firing of this weapon due to “company confidentiality”. WLN attempted to buy one of these weapons but was turned away because all the S-56s were sold out.
“The S-56 is our hottest selling item! All our employees are taking a vacation up north for quite a while with all this money we made!” said Sev Sigler. “It’s super popular with Enforcers!”

s56

A New S-56 From Sigler Arms Inc.

“We’ve gotten complains about sending empty boxes to clients.  It is clear that those clients are clearly ‘noobs’ and aren’t skilled enough to see the weapons”, said Sigler.

This comes at a great time for Sigler Arms due to their financial difficulties they were having earlier this year with their failed gun models.  Notably the S-25 that had a tendency to  blow up in peoples faces, killing them.

“This is a godsend!  We will see you in Malibu!” said Sigler.

-Rufio Mendoza

Published in: on 2009/10/28 at 2:41 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Report: Possible Space-Time Warp Discovered in Trees

(TRADER’S FLAT, KAIBAB FOREST)- Scientists have discovered a strange phenomenon occurring in the trees of the wasteland that allows metallic projectiles to warp through the trees like magic!

Researchers from the Vista Enrichment Foundation that have been researching the trees in the Kaibab Forest discovered this phenomenon after an encounter with some raiders.

A "Tree" (File Photo)

“The raiders attacked us and took cover behind a tree. In a panic we shot at the tree and the raiders fell over dead from behind it,” said Dark Pony of the Vista Enrichment Foundation. “Once we inspected the tree we found no signs of bullet holes but we did see blood splatter on the other side.”

The researchers tested different types of materials to see if they also could “warp” through the trees. The scientists found that any metallic projectile moving faster than 600 feet per second could warp through the trees as if it was just air. Anything slower, such as melee weapons, could not.

“This discovery has changed the face of woodland warfare,” said Damien, a Vista guerilla. “No longer can people take cover behind trees and expect to live. These trees do not serve any combat purpose anymore. They are just a throw pillow on the blood soaked loveseat known as the battlefield.”

"Trees" (Artist Rendition)

Scientists cannot explain why this is happening. Some theories suggest that the trees do not want to be shot so they open a wormhole to teleport the bullet to the other side of its trunk. Other scientists such as Squoke, of the Vista Enrichment Foundation say that the trees have weakened, highly irradiated bark that the bullets actually pass through but have healing properties of Wolverine”. Tazzy, another scientist, believes these trees could be host to termites with pre-cognitive abilities. Another of Tazzy’s theories is that the trees actually hate humans so much that the trees allow bullets to pass through to kill the human on the other side. Other researchers speculate it could be a Tech experiment gone wrong. Scientists are in heated debate on this phenomenon.

“We all know there is one real reason,” Tazzy said in an interview with WLN. “What is more logical than psychic termites plotting the downfall of humanity? They have been working on this for centuries, the radiation and Shiva virus is just a new tool for them!”

The cause of this phenomenon is still unknown and may not ever be known. All that can be done is just to make sure that combatants will need to think twice before taking cover behind a tree during a gunfight.

“This is serious business, if we do not strike back now against them [the termites]. They will haul us away with bags over our heads!”

-Rufio Mendoza

Published in: on 2009/10/27 at 1:09 am  Leave a Comment  
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Battle Report Park City: Parks and Recreation vs Drum Circle… vs Prairie Chickens?

(PARK CITY, KAIBAB FOREST)-  A conflict between Vista squatters and the Park City Parks and Recreation Department ends when prairie chickens invaded the city.

The band of prairie chickens nested in the town when all the security forces in town responded to reports of Vista drum circle activity south of the town.  Around 9pm local time a security team from the city was dispatched to a camp.

Park City Parks and Recreation Dept.  (PCPRD)

Park City Parks and Recreation Dept. (PCPRD)

“We had reports from Mr. and Mrs. Jenson, the elderly couple who live in the house on the outskirts of Park City that there was a Vista drum circle with drugs being consumed,” said Cyn, the Park City Parks and Recreation Janitor.  We drove up to the Vista camp site and found it empty.  However, we did find a few roaches, some drums, a bag of marijuana and a pirated copy of ‘Magnus and Kriegern go to Waffle Castle’.”

Two WLN embedded journalists were with the Vistas in Park City covering a music festival in the works.  The following are their first-hand accounts of what happened next.

Embedded Senior Correspondent Alex Siger told WLN, “We rode away from the camp once we heard that the fuzz were coming to bust our party.  We decided to head to the gas station south of town to pick up some Funions and Doritos but the Park City Security were already waiting for us there.  We exchanged gunfire with them and rode off again once ‘The Dead’ started playing over Post-Apoc Radio.

Editor-In-Chief Rufio Mendoza reported, “Once ‘Sugar Magnolia’ started playing on the radio we fell back to a defensive position after one of the Vistas, Jolt, informed us he still had a full ounce of chronic.  There were like eight or nine of us so we would get totally blazed, listen to the Grateful Dead and watch ‘Magnus and Kriegern go to Waffle Castle’.”

Gonazz, the Commander of the Park City Parks and Recreation Security Division said this in his official report, “After eliminating some of the drug squatters from one of the camps, we set up an ambush for them at the gas station knowing they would come here seeking frozen pizzas and Mountain Dew.  After a brief skirmish we tended to our wounded and captured an unarmed Vista woman who was alone and spinning in a circle in the grass, barefoot, trying to put flowers in our rocket launchers.  After offering her a bag of pot we found she revealed where the Vistas retreated to.”

The Vista Drum Circle

The Vista Drum Circle

The Commander ordered all Parks and Recreation personnel to get ready to crash the “totally awesome” Vista party, leaving the town defenseless.  The Vistas saw the attack coming and prepared a defense.  The first shot was fired by a Vista when the security team informed the Vistas that they were in possession of Vista’s only copy of “Magnus and Kriegern go to Waffle Castle”.

“The fighting started and it was like hell on earth.  Then we saw a whole flock of prairie chickens behind the security team running into Park City,” said WLN Senior Correspondent Alex Sigler. “Then Jolt made a comment along the lines of ‘Hey look, fast food’.  For some reason all of us collapsed, lost control and started laughing uncontrollably. Next thing we knew we woke up in a LifeNet pod, it was all over.”

“We saw smoke coming from the Vista defensive positions then followed by them collapsing looking like they were in agony.  We think perhaps they had a nerve agent that accidentally detonated behind their lines,” said Gonazz. “We quickly took advantage of this and sent the Vistas to a LifeNet pod.”

“Unfortunately, with our hands being tied by the Vistas now the town is being held by a flock of rogue prairie chickens.  All efforts to contact them have been in vain and ordinance #441b prohibits any Parks and Recreation personnel from harming park creatures.  We are pretty much at a loss on what to do,” said Commander Gonazz.

When the Vistas were asked to comment, the general consensus was , “bummer dude”.

WLN’s calls to the prairie chicken alpha have not been returned.

The Vistas plan to set up their drum circle in Haietta and watch “Magnus and Kriegern Escape From Fracture” next week.

-WLN War Corespondent Team

Published in: on 2009/10/26 at 6:33 pm  Leave a Comment  
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