Wasteland Review: Club Exile Resort and Day Spa

(OFFICE PARK, DEADFALL)-   We here at Wasteland News had the wonderful opportunity to spend a day at Club Exile, the first resort and spa to (re)open in the wasteland.

Club Exile (Brochure Photo)

“It really is getting a piece of the old world back.  It is a return to civility,” said Kirpi, the Events Coordinator for Club Exile. “We offer a chance for people to live life how they did before the fall, down to the bathing in the pit of mud, relaxing poolside and offering knife massages to anyone who trespasses on resort property.”

During our stay the entire WLN staff got the VIP treatment from the Club Exile resort staff.  The resort itself is all inclusive: food, drinks, security and Smash Gordon, the thonged poolboy. The drinks were superb.  We even got to drink pre-fall Scotch for the first time. The dinner of irradiated mutant meat served out of the skull of a throwback was delectable. The deep tissue massages were very relaxing for the entire WLN team.  Traveling across the wasteland wearing heavy body armor puts quite a toll on your muscles.  We were offered a full facial but respectfully declined.

WLN got a chance to sit down with Corban Dallas, General Manager of Club Exile

WLN:  Good afternoon Mr. Dallas.  It is a pleasure to speak with you.

Dallas: I know it is.

WLN: So tell me about the resort.

Dallas: Well, we specialize in the finest treatments and activities.  For VIPs we have a pool, full service           spa, and lounge…

WLN:  I don’t see a pool.

Dallas: Eat shit Mendoza.  Edit that out.

WLN: Sure thing.  What about for the average vacationer to Club Exile?

Dallas: We have relaxing scavenging… and the acid bath.  It is very cleansing, really.

WLN:  So I see a lot of staff here is armed.  Why is that?

Dallas: To keep bringing an affordable vacation spot to wastelanders requires we control any competition that gets in our way and maintain the integrity of Club Exile by protecting our guests.  It’s all just capitalism…or socialism or something.

WLN:  Do you get a lot of intruders.

Dallas: Of Course. People try to sneak in and live the good life without… wait… where is your resort wristband? Did you even pay to stay here?

WLN:  Thank you for your time.

Dallas: I’m serious. Get back here.

Overall our time at Club Exile was very enjoyable.  The spa treatment was so great that I forgot that I was mauled earlier by a rabid Light Bearer earlier that day.

Overall Grade: B+*

-Justice Mendoza

*We deducted points once we saw a resort worker empty the outhouses into the mud bath.

Published in: on 2010/05/13 at 4:02 am  Leave a Comment  

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